My story starts back in 1932.

I was fifty-two years away from being born, but already I had invented the atom bomb, ripped off Hitler's moustache, beaten up a T-Rex, and run a million-kilometre race, all with a midget on my back. I continued to amaze the world, especially after I invented a time machine that didn't travel forwards or backwards in time, but rather sideways. I also starred in the world's first pornographic movie, although all I did was clean a pool... go figure. I then graduated from Harvard after only six hours of attendance, but then it was a particularly harsh winter, and the only way I could keep warm was to burn my diploma.

Fortunately I was abducted by aliens who had a spare Harvard diploma sitting around, so they said they'd give it to me if I beat them in an arm-wrestling competition... which of course I did (have you seen the arms on aliens? They're puny) I was then returned to Earth and discovered that hypnosis is actually a mild form of poisoning, which led me to a similar discovery about John Edwards... it turns out he's full of crap. I then had to swim the English channel with a refrigerator on my back... I can't remember why, but it was important.

After that I fought Godzilla, and kicked his scaly ass... hurting my foot in the process. I didn't manage to save Japan (in fact I think I caused most of the damage) but I did get my own theme song, which was pretty cool. After returning to Australia, I saved Ned Kelly from being shot (if you don't know who Ned Kelly is, then learn. He's like a freaking super hero. He made his own armour and stood up to an unjust police force. Gotta admire that) and then I stopped the Americans from making the film Kangaroo Jack, and then bitch-slapped Napoleon because I felt like it.

The next few years were a blur, mostly because I discovered Jack Daniels, but after detox I got bitten by a radioactive spider... I was pretty sick, in fact I nearly died from it... anyway, after that I found out that my initials actually spell the word WORK, and then I helped the French build the Eiffel Tower... and then they made me knock the Tower of Pizza over... although I was too late to help with the pyramids... and then I had a slumber party at King Kong's house, although I got scared of the dark and went home to the Fortress of Solitude, where the Queen of England was waiting. She then knighted me, and I was such an awesome knight that she fired all the other knights, because she didn't need them anymore. Then I won a limbo contest, and my prize was a free trip to purgatory, all expenses paid...

...and then it turns out that it was my other eye that was lazy. And then I was born.


So yeah, what have you been up to, eh?